How come I can't ...

get any closure. that's why I said you were weird too. Like I keep thinking about it. Why can't you tell me? I told you.

So I had another dream

This one was short and sweet. I was one my computer talking to ppl and I randomly get a msg from my ex. I can rmb the exact words she typed! "Guess wat! I got that cookie dough stuff!" She rmbed that I had once told her that if she had made me cookies or something she would have gotten my love. My reply was "Holllller! =) " And then woke up and. this was about 5am and couldn't fall back asleep. So I just put the tv on and eventually feel asleep with the tv

u may ask WHY me Johnny WHY me?

why you? because you remind me of myself! we like the same things! all those little things on why we should go out would go here. you should rmb them I should have t repeat them. Like tonite and actually all the time u always asked me WHY! I do that alot too. Your so creative. I was once too. but never kept with it and my ability was wasted. PLZ don't waste urs! use it! I love how chill u r. how u let no one bother u with their bull shit. like you don't let anyone get to u. u just shake it off. Ur a great girl! you have sooo much potential ur just not using it. cause ur still not sure what u want in life. honestly ur a young girl. U don't need love in ur life. u should be out having fun. and being urself! You told me that u were finally able to be urself around me. I like you for who are. not for who I want u to be. im not gonna change you. im not gonna play games with you. im not gonna control you. If u wanna chill with ur friends then go chill with ur friends. u wanna come to my house and relax and watch a movie under a blanket and cuddle then do it! come onn.

that's just some things I could go on. and I haven't known u that long. but lately I been getting to know you alot more. and it's what makes me like you more and more.

and ur prolly having mixed feelings about me now.


-Johnny

what u would have gotten on the phone!

ok u want me to be honest with you here you go. I wrote u along note tooo about some of this. but here u want closure here it is. Don't feel bad about how u look. becuase honestly I still love you. after everything that has happened! OK so after ur party I think things started falling apart. like you weren't telling me what was on ur mind! and I couldn't figure out what it was. I actually found a conversation like a month ago where I told u that I rly like you alot. but I can't call it love just YET! and all you said was oh and like you didn't even care! so I was like wow she doesn't want me to love her? that's weird. but I continued becuase I didn't want to lose you. I was falling for you. We then went on a break and u started talking to ur ex again saying you guys are cool. I figured u guys are tryna get back together. so I was feeling depressed like u used me to make him jealous. then you ended up getting back wth him. even tho he lied, and was controlling. and everything else u dumped him for to be with me! I cried myself to sleep that night. I felt like you didn't like me. then afterwards you started talking to me again like you still liked me and I thought it was true! I felt that u liked me. maybe u were still confused about him. and we played with each other back and forth. u said u just wanted to be my friend! why? you didn't want to see me cause we would end up doing stuff. and get back into relationship mode! why would that be a problem? becuase u were busy? but u weren't busy enough to go see dennis right? but yet I live 10 mins away from you. and the way I drive I can cut that in half! like come onnnn such a lie!! you were too busy to hang out with me because u felt scared that we would get into a relationship? but yet u would go to dennis' house where ever he lives! u skipped chem to go see him! u didn't want a relationship again but yet! u got into one again!! again another lie. you said that you don't know how he feels about you besides he likes you. so why are you with him? are you with him so ur not alone? so you have someone there to be with you? idk. That see. I think about you all the time! I can't get you off my mind. because honestly I still love you still. I always will. True love is keeping strong through all the hurt and staying. you said I deserve better! Why do you feel that ur not worthy of me? I know ur worthy of me! u deserve the world and I want to give it to U! I wanna be ur ONE. I just hate how you gave up. it's like you didn't want to bother anymore. but yet you still ask about it.! why? maybe because you still feel someting there? I don't know what your feeling? and you tell me you don't know. just like you don't know about Dennis. Honestly I felt like we had a connection again too because I was getting to know you on a different level. you didn't share much with me when we were together becuase you didn't want to talk about it. I come on here and ur spilling ur guts! I felt closer. even tho it was to ppl who read ur blogs which could be just ur friends and family. But the fact is that u shared something. You set this whole thing up. You knew I was gonna look at ur blog! so u put it in ur away msg! I clicked on it. I made a account so I can talk to u and write what I felt and have you share ur feelings with me! and when I said ur like me. u rly are. I always asked WHY! and want to know the answer. that's something we have in common. what I don't like is that u want me to tell you how you feel. but yet you don't rly share what you feel. which is why I think ur weird! You say you don't know what to feel about me. That I dont' get. what you don't like me? idk like do you think about me? what made me mad the most is that one night I was crying my eyes out and all u said was get over you. and that u love me. then I said if u loved me then we wouldn't be in this situation! u said I beleive u made ur choice and im sorry you feel that way. that was the most mean thing u said to me! it was like fuck u bye. I cried soo much when I saw that. how u just didn't care anymore and gave up. yeah I know we can't just get back together. that's not gonna work. but I had hopes. and soo much was going through my mind. I called so many things like you getting back with ur ex. but you wouldn't give me a second chance? like was I such a bad boy friend that I didn't deserve a second chance?


My question to you WHY

It's ur turn. PLZ share your feelings and yes this is what I would have said on the phone!

I want to be ur ONE, I want to be URs I want my dreams to come true!


-Johnny!

so yeah ...

I talked to the ex today. and feelings came back of love. But for some strange reason it just wasn't the same. idk y. maybe because im over her? or the fact that she's moved on and doesn't even want to be with me anymore? but all I know is it's just isn't the same anymore. Maybe if I were to see her in person it would change? idk. But in a way I didn't want to get over her. I don't know why im so hot and cold about her. I still like her of course. So is it possible that im finally over her?

New crush/love?

So I just started talking to this girl. and I been talking to her for hours today online! we couldn't stop talking to each other. It was so cute! Now that im not talking to her I keep thinking about her. Could this be my chance for another shot at love? perhaps it's just a sign to get over the ex or to show that there are plenty of other girls out there. And that there are still nice girls out there that don't break hearts.


I can't wait to see what this new yr has to offer me! =)

damn love bug

Ok so I had a dream last night. It was about my ex, and we decided to hang out. So I go to pick her up at her house I get out the car and give her a hug and open the car door for her. She gets in and I walk around to my door so I can drive so we can chill at my place. so on the way to my place we had some many memmories of things we did. Like where we had our first kiss, what we use to do in the car. (like sing to each other, I would hold her hand, put my hand through her ling beautiful hair and tell her she's gorgeous.) Anyway we finally get to my house and I park the car and stuff. we go up stairs and I put on the tv and we decieded to watch some lovey dovey movie. I really didn't care what we watched becuase I had her company again and didn't really care. So I went and made some popcorn for us and got some drinks. sat down next to her so we can share the popcorn on the table. We get to the part of the movie where they start talking about love, and she turns around and smiles at me. I said "Are you ok?" she replied back with "yeah I'm fine." She then sits back in the sofa and starts staring at me while I'm watching the movie. I then turn to her. I stare at her and end up having a staring contest for about 2 mins. She finally turns away. And I ask her if she had something on her mind and wanted to talk? She then looked into my eyes and I looked into hers (which by the way are very loving eyes that I had missed so dearly!). She starts to cry and wips her tears on my should and starts talking about how she misses me so much, and she was sorry for letting me go. She said that I was the only person that she ever felt comfortable to be around to be herself. The way I cared for her, the way I loved her, and the how sweet and honest I was with her. Never lying even lying to her once in our whole relationship. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I wanted her back. All I said was "well what's done is done, we can't change that." She then said "you know your someone I can see spending my whole life with, someone I really don't deserve, being with you is like being in heaven with my dream man.

*I then woke up with the biggest smile on my face EVER! came to the computer and decided to write my thoughts.

I think I will always love her no matter what. I will still think of her time to time. But not like every single day when I was with her. She use to be the first thing/person I would think of when I get out of bed. Hoping she got a good night sleep and she's ready for school. Hoping God was protecting her today.

But yeah damn I miss that girl and I really wish that dream could be my reality so we can both be happy again.




-Steven